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I AM HERE – A HORSE, A DATE AND FINDING MY CENTER



Recently, I fell off the wagon – the dating wagon – when I went on the most centered dates of divine oneness. That is saying a lot. I can only describe it in relation to a dream I had just a week or so before our meeting.


Dream On

First, my dreams are usually a bit intense. Occasionally I dream of dating Viggo Mortenson, but that has not happened in a while. In my recent dream I was naked and embraced by Shiva, the male divine who joins with Shakti, the goddess in divine oneness – a place that knows no bounds but is a place of peace and nirvana.


I believe it’s what Christ experiences with his followers, especially when they’re born again. I am in you, you are in Me.


In my dream, Shiva said something to me like, You are my soul. And then I woke up, my dog whining to be let out, and I opened the door for him and stumbled to my coffee pot, a bit dazed and confused. Yet, I knew this dream was a good thing; a blessing.


Divine oneness is when you are in the flow, and time and ego evaporate. You are your purest self – your soul self – you know, before BAD THINGS happened. I have often experienced this in the woods, laughing with my daughter, riding my horses, meditating, paddling a river, writing and teaching and when eating homemade vanilla ice cream.


Leap of Faith

Recently, I bought myself a nice horse, and when I first rode him, I cried. I have ridden good horses, which I did not own because I could not afford them; crappy horses because I could afford them but were very special ed, and everything in between.


At 60, I retired my 23-year-old arthritic horse, who I threatened to sell at least once a week because of his shenanigans. I debated retiring him because… I could still ride him, and he was still a pain in the neck. He was still willing and often eager – too eager, but he was showing signs of mentally being done. Sort of like a partner that nods uhuh without listening to what you are saying.


I began casting an eye outward. With my health issues, I know I am in for my last hurrah and that if I was going to ride and show one last time I better do it NOW. I looked for a year – and believe me, I am not that picky when it comes to horses, OR men, but it appears I may have changed.


Divine Oneness

The long and short of it resembled the story of goldilocks and the three bears. These horses were not a great fit, and I was ready for great. I am looking for the same in a partner – so-so, goodish is no longer going to work for me.


So, when I rode Mo, and I was completely at ease, felt comfortable and experienced divine oneness with him, I cried. I did not know this could happen. My New York skepticism made me try him six more times, and I cried each time and finally bought him and after 60 years of living, I can say he is one of the best choices of my life.


Then, when I met a man who made me feel the same way, my hair stood on end – sort of. After a few conversations, I do know that our first date made me feel like I was with Shiva. I was able to be the most myself that I ever have been with a man and that is saying a lot. WE were present with each other and we shared the same spiritual belief system that is grounded in Sikhism.


I tried to tell my daughter that even if I never see him again, my life has been enriched by this encounter with him because I felt my heart open in oneness, and I saw myself in the light and beauty. No longer defined by my traumas, I was a vessel, not a chalice to be filled, but already filled and shining.


And Finally, Peace

Simply put, living a peaceful life of mindfulness, self-awareness and doing my best on a day to day level to forgive, acknowledge and cut lose my attachments to the material world has paid off in my sense of love and peace. I have not seen this man again, and I am so neutral it is scary. Like my dream of Shiva, he was Shiva incarnate and like a dream, that date was all.


My love is just a reminder: find your center. Be present with me. That evening of my date, I experienced his love, divine love, which allowed me to reflect on my beautiful soul. My horse does the same. And at daybreak, when the world is still blue and a lone bird ventures forth its call, I am called home.


Let’s Have a Conversation:

Where do you find your center and inner peace? Whose love is a reminder of who you are? What decisions have you made that are based on loving yourself completely?

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